The boy and the girl and I had been playing outside for about an hour. That's a big deal for me for several reasons: 1) it's hot and I don't like hot, 2) there are bugs and I don't like bugs, and 3) it smells and it makes me smell, and I don't like to smell. But my kids like to play outside, so I oblige.
I don't even know what prompted me to ask, maybe walking around outside at 11 AM on a Monday with nothing to do lends itself to random thoughts, but I innocently asked,
"Do you like being home with Mommy better or being at school with your friends better?"
DD - "I like being at home with you."
Me - "Really? I thought you were going to say you would rather play at school."
DD - "No, I like being at home because that's where you are."
I never would have predicted that answer. I immediately teared up and thanked her. I'm sure she didn't know why.
A day at home with me doesn't seem all that special. We eat breakfast, then the kids play around while I drink coffee and waste time on the Internet. We might go outside if the weather is nice. We might play downstairs for a while. Run off some energy before lunch. Usually the girl watches some TV while her brother takes his afternoon nap. I internet some more. Brother wakes up from his nap, we play, eat dinner, then start winding down for a bath and bed.
A day with me has its challenges. I lose my temper too much. I am impatient. I yell. More often than not, by 10:00, I am praying for the strength and patience to make it through the day. By the end of the day, I am physically and emotionally spent. I feel guilty by how glad I am when the kids are finally in bed, and I can sink onto the couch and relax.
But somehow, that's not how my daughter sees it. As much as she loves school and playing with her friends, she likes being at home more. As inept as I see myself as a mother, she still would rather be with me. The whole scenario just illustrates how much my confidence as a mother has plummeted lately; that I was sure I already knew the answer to the "innocent" question I posed.
My daughter loves me, and loves being with me. I didn't even know I needed to hear her say it, but I guess I did. How did she know?
- MortarBored Mom
Monday, May 7, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
The Tao of Britney
Three posts into this blog may be a bit soon to reveal one of my biggest secrets, but you know what they say: the truth shall set you free. So here goes.
I love Britney Spears. Wait, wait, wait! Before you write me off so soon, let me qualify that. I'm not talking about early Britney, with the pig tails and hyper-nasality. And I'm not talking about trashy, post-divorce Britney, with the barely-there get-ups and overly autotuned tracks. I'm talking about Britney circa 2001, when she started singing about real shit. Now I know she doesn't write her own songs, but when I first heard her sing "Overprotected," I could tell she felt those lyrics as if she did. She was tired of being told how to live her life. What to think. How to feel. She was ready to make her own choices, her own mistakes.
"What am I to do with my life?
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just gotta do it your way)
Britney Spears may not have written those lyrics, but I probably could have. Back in 2001, and this very day. In 2001, I was struggling with the big decision - What do I do with my life? Do I try to find a job after graduation? Do I apply to grad school? Do I move back home and live off my mom until she forces me to make a choice? (thanks Mom!)
"What am I to do with my life?"
Now I struggle with the big decision - Am I making the right choice? Should I be looking harder for work? Did I make a mistake quitting my job? Am I cut out to be a stay-at-home mom or are my children suffering because of my short-comings? What was the point of all that time and work in school?
"How am I supposed to know what's right?"
I know I don't have to make any decisions today, or even tomorrow. But someday soon. Those decisions will affect so many other aspects of my life, it makes my head spin. The thing about these kind of big decisions is that you can't really ask for advice. Well you can, but it has to be your decision, your choice, because you are the one who has to live with the consequences.
"You just gotta do it your way."
Touche Britney. Touche.
On a not entirely unrelated endnote, I have started running again. How is that not totally unrelated, you ask? Well in case you haven't seen the "Overprotected" video, Britney looks pretty kick ass in it, and I'm sure she didn't get that way from sitting around drinking beer and eating ice cream.
So for this week's Flashback Friday moment, here are before and after pictures of me running a 5K back in 2009. In typical Kelly screw-up fashion, I missed the end (yep, don't ask) and ran an extra half mile. Good times.
Who can guess
which is before and
which is after?
Ok so there it is. My confession. I heart Britney Spears. Don't judge me. And don't judge her. That was my girl.
- MortarBored Mom
I love Britney Spears. Wait, wait, wait! Before you write me off so soon, let me qualify that. I'm not talking about early Britney, with the pig tails and hyper-nasality. And I'm not talking about trashy, post-divorce Britney, with the barely-there get-ups and overly autotuned tracks. I'm talking about Britney circa 2001, when she started singing about real shit. Now I know she doesn't write her own songs, but when I first heard her sing "Overprotected," I could tell she felt those lyrics as if she did. She was tired of being told how to live her life. What to think. How to feel. She was ready to make her own choices, her own mistakes.
"What am I to do with my life?
(You will find it out don't worry)
How am I supposed to know what's right?
(You just gotta do it your way)
Britney Spears may not have written those lyrics, but I probably could have. Back in 2001, and this very day. In 2001, I was struggling with the big decision - What do I do with my life? Do I try to find a job after graduation? Do I apply to grad school? Do I move back home and live off my mom until she forces me to make a choice? (thanks Mom!)
"What am I to do with my life?"
Now I struggle with the big decision - Am I making the right choice? Should I be looking harder for work? Did I make a mistake quitting my job? Am I cut out to be a stay-at-home mom or are my children suffering because of my short-comings? What was the point of all that time and work in school?
"How am I supposed to know what's right?"
I know I don't have to make any decisions today, or even tomorrow. But someday soon. Those decisions will affect so many other aspects of my life, it makes my head spin. The thing about these kind of big decisions is that you can't really ask for advice. Well you can, but it has to be your decision, your choice, because you are the one who has to live with the consequences.
"You just gotta do it your way."
Touche Britney. Touche.
On a not entirely unrelated endnote, I have started running again. How is that not totally unrelated, you ask? Well in case you haven't seen the "Overprotected" video, Britney looks pretty kick ass in it, and I'm sure she didn't get that way from sitting around drinking beer and eating ice cream.
So for this week's Flashback Friday moment, here are before and after pictures of me running a 5K back in 2009. In typical Kelly screw-up fashion, I missed the end (yep, don't ask) and ran an extra half mile. Good times.
Who can guess
which is before and
which is after?
Ok so there it is. My confession. I heart Britney Spears. Don't judge me. And don't judge her. That was my girl.
- MortarBored Mom
Friday, April 27, 2012
Awkward Silence
You may have noticed that after my critically-acclaimed (at *least* 10 people have told me they enjoyed it, so there!) first post, there has been a bit of a lull over here at MortarBored Mom. As it turns out, it's a lot harder to write about myself and my life than I originally thought. Ask anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes, and they will tell you that I have no problem talking about myself. I come from a long line (my mother) of talkers, so I come by it honest, but I have found writing about myself to be a different beast.
What if what I write about isn't interesting? What if I'm not interesting? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...
I bounced those thoughts around for a week or so, and really thought about putting this on the table for a while. For a long while.
But then I had another thought. I didn't start this blog to become a blogging goddess, amassing thousands of followers and giving keynote speeches at international conventions. No, I started this blog for me. Because I needed an outlet. I needed to say things that maybe I wouldn't have the guts to say aloud, afraid if I said these things, there would be no one to hear me; no one to care, to understand, to commiserate. Maybe there isn't. But maybe, just maybe, you are there. And if you're not now, maybe you will be. And maybe I'll say something that you've been wanting to say, but didn't know how. Or maybe you will think I'm a raving lunatic. Or maybe you will think that I really like the word "maybe." Anyway...
For your viewing pleasure, as I henceforth deem Fridays as Flashback Fridays, here is a picture of me from exactly 4 years ago, 7 months pregnant with my daughter. Enjoy.
See you soon. Probably. All right, all right. I'll be here. TTFN.
- MortarBored Mom
What if what I write about isn't interesting? What if I'm not interesting? Maybe this wasn't such a good idea...
I bounced those thoughts around for a week or so, and really thought about putting this on the table for a while. For a long while.
But then I had another thought. I didn't start this blog to become a blogging goddess, amassing thousands of followers and giving keynote speeches at international conventions. No, I started this blog for me. Because I needed an outlet. I needed to say things that maybe I wouldn't have the guts to say aloud, afraid if I said these things, there would be no one to hear me; no one to care, to understand, to commiserate. Maybe there isn't. But maybe, just maybe, you are there. And if you're not now, maybe you will be. And maybe I'll say something that you've been wanting to say, but didn't know how. Or maybe you will think I'm a raving lunatic. Or maybe you will think that I really like the word "maybe." Anyway...
For your viewing pleasure, as I henceforth deem Fridays as Flashback Fridays, here is a picture of me from exactly 4 years ago, 7 months pregnant with my daughter. Enjoy.
See you soon. Probably. All right, all right. I'll be here. TTFN.
- MortarBored Mom
Monday, April 16, 2012
In the Beginning, There was Kindergarten Graduation.
You know how the Cullen kids made that giant wall hanging of all their graduation caps? Granted I'm nowhere close to that because I'm not immortal and haven't graduated high school 20 times, but I've accumulated my fair share.
Kindergarten graduation - I guess it's really more for the parents than the kids. I mean, does this face look like I had any idea what was going on?
I suppose it is momentous, the transition to 1st grade and classes that don't involve coloring and juice...
Fast forward 12 years to my high school graduation. I was thrilled to be graduating, but terrified of leaving my friends and family and going to college. Funny now to think of how much I didn't want to leave home.
Four years later, I graduated from college after changing my major 7 times. I ended up picking a major based on how many credits it required, and calculating how I could manage to still graduate on time. I had no intention of pursuing a career in the field.
One year later, I enrolled in graduate school to obtain a Ph.D. in the same field I thought I had no interest in. Turns out, I kinda love it. Four years later, the same school that gave me my undergraduate diploma gave me another one because as it also turns out, I'm kinda good at it. I was ready to conquer the world.
That was 2006. Six years, 1 husband, and 2 kids, no job later, it sometimes feels like all of those graduation caps were for naught. My diplomas, simply wall hangings. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, well I believe it. I live it.
So...welcome! I'll be around for a while because currently, I've got nowhere else to be. If you're not too busy with your life, please feel free to stop by and hear me blab about mine.
- MortarBored Mom
Kindergarten graduation - I guess it's really more for the parents than the kids. I mean, does this face look like I had any idea what was going on?
I suppose it is momentous, the transition to 1st grade and classes that don't involve coloring and juice...
Fast forward 12 years to my high school graduation. I was thrilled to be graduating, but terrified of leaving my friends and family and going to college. Funny now to think of how much I didn't want to leave home.
Four years later, I graduated from college after changing my major 7 times. I ended up picking a major based on how many credits it required, and calculating how I could manage to still graduate on time. I had no intention of pursuing a career in the field.
One year later, I enrolled in graduate school to obtain a Ph.D. in the same field I thought I had no interest in. Turns out, I kinda love it. Four years later, the same school that gave me my undergraduate diploma gave me another one because as it also turns out, I'm kinda good at it. I was ready to conquer the world.
That was 2006. Six years, 1 husband, and 2 kids, no job later, it sometimes feels like all of those graduation caps were for naught. My diplomas, simply wall hangings. They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste, well I believe it. I live it.
So...welcome! I'll be around for a while because currently, I've got nowhere else to be. If you're not too busy with your life, please feel free to stop by and hear me blab about mine.
- MortarBored Mom
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